The big questions always linger, especially on days like this when you haven't had work and you're feeling useless. Like the search is pointless because you will never, never find it. And you don't even know what it is - just some thing, some concept, floating out there, out of reach and too high up to make out clearly. You get glimpses now and then, but they are fleeting - only moments before the clouds are back and you've lost sight and even the memory is fading so fast that you can't catch it and then it's gone with only a lingering wanting left behind. It is in the stillness where you can find it - a peace that washes over, a rest sinking into your soul, a pause that never seems long enough. A whispered word, an passing nod, a brief smile.
But then, nothing. And you am left feeling alone and lost. Pointless. Sometimes you can do enough - keep your hands moving and your mind occupied - to start to forget the loss and confusion, but it always comes back. In a well meaning question, in the thought that you are not doing enough. That you are not enough.
"Seek and you shall find. Ask and it will be given to you."
I have sought and I have asked - again and again and again. But I find only emptiness. The days run together in waiting, wanting. In asking. And I hear nothing. I have begged, but I have not received an answer, a direction, a hint. For days, for weeks, for months I have asked. And before that - asking for a year and a half, for 18 months, for 534 days, for 12,816 hours. When the waiting starts you think, "This will be okay, something good will come of this." And then the hope fades and you feel helpless and angry and confused. Why us? Why this? What are You doing? What am I doing wrong?
And then finally - finally, after giving up, letting go, learning that the waiting may go on and on - God moves. He answers. In a big way. In the only way that could have been. And you realize that He was moving all along. That you were never alone.
Despite that - despite the miracles you've seen, the answered prayers, the tears He caught and the words He collected - you're here again. Seek and you shall find.
But that isn't what it says, is it?
This is your answer. God doesn't promise that you will find your dream job or the perfect house or a good day. He promises Himself - that if you seek and ask and knock, He will give you the best gift - the Holy Spirit. He promises that He will come and live in you. That you will be His dwelling place. And that is a calling far above and beyond what you ever imagined.
What more could you want? I have His many promises: that His love never fails (1 Chronicles 16:34); that all things work out for good (Romans 8:28); that He will provide (Philippians 4:19); that we will live eternally with Him (John 3:16). You don't have to search for a purpose or passion. He is always with you and He know the plans He has for you (Jeremiah 29:11).